The Lebanese Way
Thank you Lebanese people for making sex and competitiveness such utterly disgusting experiences. It seems that every time you switch on the tube you find out how far into Sodom and Gomorra territory we have really strayed. My mom is watching a local drama series right now dubbed ‘Sara’, which I suppose shows the viewer an accurate depiction of real Lebanese society. What struck me the most about this show is how the protagonists are so adept at making their own lives a living hell by making one asinine decision after another.
Society, this creature that seems to have a life of its own, is sustained by our repeated capitulations as individuals, our failure to be courageous enough to be different and break free. By subjugating our own individuality to the will of this monster we feed it and it grows more powerful. No longer the conservative, religiously devout, tight knit, and quaint community of the pre-1975 ‘La Dolce Vita era’, today’s Lebanese society is an ugly aberration fed by rumors and innuendo, a silicon-inflated blight on humanity, one that can only be fixed by a great-flood-like event.
Listening to my barber talk the other day, I was struck by how much Lebanese men value a good cook, how they cherish their so-called independence, and a good drink at a local nightspot, without their wives that is. Because, for most of them it rarely sinks in that when they marry it’s to another human being, a woman with needs, passions, desires, hopes, and fears, a woman who needs companionship as much as the man does, though no Lebanese man would ever admit to such a thing. In reality, most Lebanese men act like they are married to a maid who’s job it is to cook and clean for them, to raise the kids, and give them their nocturnal freedom at least once a week to do what they like until the small hours.
Of course, I understand there are always exceptions to this rule, but when an undesirable behavior becomes so widespread, it replaces proper, decent behavior as the so-called norm. And, after all, what is normal? In an age in which relationships are changing, where cohabitation has become so accepted and pervasive, what is normal? Is committing to one person forever an ever normal, is it desirable, is it healthy? What if we make a mistake, what if we marry the wrong person? Should the stigma of divorce dog us our entire lives? Shouldn’t the marriage contract be renegotiated every couple of years as one TV talk show guest suggested? And what about the kids, what happens to them?
The Lebanese man’s obsession with sex, his weakness and lack of control after marriage, is greater than it would be in most other societies. The sanctions imposed on a man who strays from the marriage bed are negligible compared to the sanctions imposed on a woman who leaves her unfaithful husband, let alone one who is unfaithful in turn.
On the issue of competitiveness the Lebanese think they rule the roost, that they are at the cutting edge in their respective fields, that they are go-getters, persevering until they get what they want, never allowing anyone to overtake them, in life or on the road. Well, guess what, when you focus too much on winning in one aspect of life, you generally forget about other aspects that are just as important. The reality is we are imperfect beings living in an imperfect world.
When a driver is focused on overtaking the driver in front of him other considerations like manners, safety, and right of way are disregarded in favor of being first. The only thing of any importance is getting ahead, whatever the cost, this is the defining maxim of Lebanese society, it is what makes so many of us so blissfully and obliviously amoral. This is not a good thing to be. So often every burst of energy and speed is followed by a sudden stop and inertia. We hate stillness and silence, we love noise, to keep moving because in quiet stillness our conscience begins to catch up to us.
Never in all my time walking along the sidewalks of Beirut has any fellow pedestrian ever given way or said so much as ‘please, after you.’ It’s nice to hear that once in a while. It seems that even while walking down the street we are fiercely competitive. But being competitive is fine as long as we gain a distinct advantage that saves us time or energy, but if the only benefit we derive is the satisfaction some get from pushing others out of their way then this is not a healthy thing at all. Women do the same, but for different reasons. A woman expects another man to move out of her way, however, she would never think of yielding an inch of sidewalk space to allow a man enough room to pass.
An elderly man is walking out of a restaurant, gingerly squeezing between seated patrons. Suddenly another man decides to get up right in front of him. Instead of allowing the elderly man to pass first he keeps him waiting while he puts on his jacket slowly and walks to the door. The elderly man follows, also heading to the door. The younger man stops at the door to adjust his jacket blocking the exit. The elderly man patiently waits unable to pass. The younger man opens the door and keeps going not even holding the door for the elderly man. This is something I actually saw happen and I’m sure the same happens often.
Somewhere down the line we lost our kinder gentler selves, our instinct to be kind and considerate, and our good manners which our parents worked so hard to instill in us. In the rest of the world, good manners cost nothing, in Lebanon, it seems, good manners cost a man his manhood and a women her dignity and pride.
Society, this creature that seems to have a life of its own, is sustained by our repeated capitulations as individuals, our failure to be courageous enough to be different and break free. By subjugating our own individuality to the will of this monster we feed it and it grows more powerful. No longer the conservative, religiously devout, tight knit, and quaint community of the pre-1975 ‘La Dolce Vita era’, today’s Lebanese society is an ugly aberration fed by rumors and innuendo, a silicon-inflated blight on humanity, one that can only be fixed by a great-flood-like event.
Listening to my barber talk the other day, I was struck by how much Lebanese men value a good cook, how they cherish their so-called independence, and a good drink at a local nightspot, without their wives that is. Because, for most of them it rarely sinks in that when they marry it’s to another human being, a woman with needs, passions, desires, hopes, and fears, a woman who needs companionship as much as the man does, though no Lebanese man would ever admit to such a thing. In reality, most Lebanese men act like they are married to a maid who’s job it is to cook and clean for them, to raise the kids, and give them their nocturnal freedom at least once a week to do what they like until the small hours.
Of course, I understand there are always exceptions to this rule, but when an undesirable behavior becomes so widespread, it replaces proper, decent behavior as the so-called norm. And, after all, what is normal? In an age in which relationships are changing, where cohabitation has become so accepted and pervasive, what is normal? Is committing to one person forever an ever normal, is it desirable, is it healthy? What if we make a mistake, what if we marry the wrong person? Should the stigma of divorce dog us our entire lives? Shouldn’t the marriage contract be renegotiated every couple of years as one TV talk show guest suggested? And what about the kids, what happens to them?
The Lebanese man’s obsession with sex, his weakness and lack of control after marriage, is greater than it would be in most other societies. The sanctions imposed on a man who strays from the marriage bed are negligible compared to the sanctions imposed on a woman who leaves her unfaithful husband, let alone one who is unfaithful in turn.
On the issue of competitiveness the Lebanese think they rule the roost, that they are at the cutting edge in their respective fields, that they are go-getters, persevering until they get what they want, never allowing anyone to overtake them, in life or on the road. Well, guess what, when you focus too much on winning in one aspect of life, you generally forget about other aspects that are just as important. The reality is we are imperfect beings living in an imperfect world.
When a driver is focused on overtaking the driver in front of him other considerations like manners, safety, and right of way are disregarded in favor of being first. The only thing of any importance is getting ahead, whatever the cost, this is the defining maxim of Lebanese society, it is what makes so many of us so blissfully and obliviously amoral. This is not a good thing to be. So often every burst of energy and speed is followed by a sudden stop and inertia. We hate stillness and silence, we love noise, to keep moving because in quiet stillness our conscience begins to catch up to us.
Never in all my time walking along the sidewalks of Beirut has any fellow pedestrian ever given way or said so much as ‘please, after you.’ It’s nice to hear that once in a while. It seems that even while walking down the street we are fiercely competitive. But being competitive is fine as long as we gain a distinct advantage that saves us time or energy, but if the only benefit we derive is the satisfaction some get from pushing others out of their way then this is not a healthy thing at all. Women do the same, but for different reasons. A woman expects another man to move out of her way, however, she would never think of yielding an inch of sidewalk space to allow a man enough room to pass.
An elderly man is walking out of a restaurant, gingerly squeezing between seated patrons. Suddenly another man decides to get up right in front of him. Instead of allowing the elderly man to pass first he keeps him waiting while he puts on his jacket slowly and walks to the door. The elderly man follows, also heading to the door. The younger man stops at the door to adjust his jacket blocking the exit. The elderly man patiently waits unable to pass. The younger man opens the door and keeps going not even holding the door for the elderly man. This is something I actually saw happen and I’m sure the same happens often.
Somewhere down the line we lost our kinder gentler selves, our instinct to be kind and considerate, and our good manners which our parents worked so hard to instill in us. In the rest of the world, good manners cost nothing, in Lebanon, it seems, good manners cost a man his manhood and a women her dignity and pride.
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