Blackadder: Irreverent Toilet Humor at its Best
Blackadder: A man may fight for many things: his country, his friends, his principles, a glistening tear on the cheek of a golden child; but personally, I'd mud-wrestle my own mother for a ton of cash, an amusing clock and a sack of French porn.
Blackadder (on Charlie Chaplin): I find his films about as funny as getting an arrow through the neck and discovering there's a gas bill tied to it.
Lt. George: If we do happen to step on a mine Sir, what do we do?
Capt. Edmund Blackadder: Well, normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in to the air and scatter yourself over a wide area.
Blackadder: I thinkI’ll write my tombstone – Here lies Edmund Blackadder, and he’s bloody annoyed.
Bob (The General’s driver, a woman, Kate, disguised as a man so she could join up and fight for King and country): I wanted to see how a war was fought, so badly.
Blackadder: Well Bob you’ve come to the right place. There hasn't been a war fought this badly since Olaf the hairy, King of all the Vikings, ordered 80,000 battle helmets with the horns on the inside.
Lord Flasheart: Treat your kite (WW1 biplane) like you treat your woman.
Lt. George: How do you mean Sir, you mean take her home over the weekend to meet your mother?
Lord Flasheart: No. I mean get inside her five times a day and take her to Heaven and back! Woof Woof
Blackadder: I can see now why the Suffragette Movement wants the vote.
Lord Flasheart: Hey, Hey, any bird who wants to chain herself to my railing and suffer a jet movement gets my vote.
Blackadder: Baldrick, what are you doing out there?
Baldrick: I'm carving something on this bullet, sir.
Blackadder: What are you craving?
Baldrick: I'm carving "Baldrick", sir!
Blackadder: Why?
Baldrick: It's part of a cunning plan, actually!
Blackadder: Of course it is.
Baldrick: You know how they say that somewhere there's a bullet with your name on it?
Blackadder: [haltingly]Yyyyyyyyes...?
Baldrick: Well, I thought that if I owned the bullet with my name on it, I'll never get hit by it! Cause I'll never shoot myself...
Blackadder: Oh, shame!
Baldrick: ... and the chances of there being two bullets with my name are very small indeed!
Blackadder: Yes, it's not the only thing around here that's "very small indeed". Your brain, for example, it's so minute, Baldrick, that if a hungry cannibal cracked your head open, there wouldn't be enough inside to cover a small water biscuit.
General Melchett: Field Marshal Haig has formulated a brilliant new tactical plan to ensure final victory in the field.
Blackadder: Ah. Would this brilliant plan involve us climbing out of our trenches and walking very slowly towards the enemy?
Captain Darling: How could you possibly know that, Blackadder? It's classified information!
Blackadder: It's the same plan that we used last time and the seventeen times before that.
Melchett: Exactly! And that is what is so brilliant about it! It will catch the watchful Hun totally off guard! Doing precisely what we've done eighteen times before is exactly the last thing they'll expect us to do this time! There is, however, one small problem.
Blackadder: That everyone always gets slaughtered in the first ten seconds.
Melchett: That's right. And Field Marshal Haig is worried this may be depressing the men a tad. So he's looking for a way to cheer them up.
Blackadder: Well, his resignation and suicide seems the obvious choice.
Melchett: Hmm, interesting thought. Make a note of it, Darling.
[Blackadder's rather jovial firing squad visits him in his cell]
Squad Leader: You see, us firing squads are a bit like taxmen, sir - everyone hates us, but we're just doin' our job, aren't we, lads? [he and the squad laugh]
Blackadder: [dryly] My heart bleeds for you.
Squad Leader: Well, sir, we "aim" to please! [he and the squad laugh]
Squad man: Just a little firing squad joke there, sir!
Squad Leader: You see, sir, we take pride in the termanatory service we supply. So, is there any particular area you'd like us to go for? We can aim anywhere.
Blackadder: Well, in that case, just above my head might be a good spot.
[The firing squad laugh]
Squad Leader: You see! A laugh and a smile, and all of a sudden the job doesn't seem quite so bad after all, does it, sir?
Squad man: [observing Blackadder closely] No! And a lovely roomy forehead...
Squad man 2: A good pulse and jugular there as well...
Blackadder: [abruptly] Look, I'm sorry, I know you mean to be friendly, but I hope you won't take it amiss if I ask you to sod off and die!
[The firing squad soldiers are offended and start to complain]
Squad Leader: No, no, no, fair enough. 'Course not, sir. No one likes being shot first thing in the morning, do they, lads? [the rest of the firing squad voices agreement] So, look forward to seeing you tomorrow, sir! You'll have a blindfold on of course, but you'll recognize me. I'm the one that says, "Ready, aim, fire!"
Blackadder: Can I ask you to leave a pause between the word "aim" and the word "fire", thirty or forty years, perhaps?
[The firing squad laugh]
Squad Leader: Ahh, wish I could pause, sir, I really wish I could. But I can't, you see, 'cos I'm a gabbler, me, you see. "READYAIMFIRE!!!" [laughs]
George: You a bit cheesed off, sir?
Blackadder: George, the day this war began, I was cheesed off. Within ten minutes of you turning up, I finished the cheese and moved on to the coffee and cigars. And at this late stage, I am in a cab with two lady companions on my way to The Pink Pussycat in Lower Regent Street.
Blackadder: For two years, the Western Front's been about as likely to move as a Frenchman who lives next door to a brothel, then last night the Germans advance a mile and we land on the wrong side!
Baldrick: I want my mum!
Blackadder: Yes, it'll be good to see her. I imagine a maternally outraged gorilla could be a useful ally when it comes to the final scrap!
Baron von Richthofen: Ha ha ha! You English and your zense of humour! How lucky you English are to find ze toilet so amusing! For us, it is a mundane and functional item...for you, ze basis of an entire culture!
Blackadder: I've always been a soldier, married to the army. Book of King's Regulations is my mistress...possibly with a Harrods' lingerie catalogue tucked discreetly between the pages.
Nurse Mary: And no casual girlfriends?
Blackadder: Skirt? If only. When I joined up, we were still fighting colonial wars. If you saw someone in a skirt, you shot him and nicked his country!
Lt. George on how the war started: The war started because of the vile Hun and his villainous empire-building!
Blackadder: George, the British Empire at present covers a quarter of the globe, while the German Empire consists of a small sausage factory in Tanganyika. I hardly think we can be entirely absolved from blame on the imperialistic front.
George: Oh... Oh no, sir! Absolutely not! [quietly to Baldrick] Mad as a bicycle!
Baldrick: I heard that it started when a bloke called Archie Duke shot an ostrich 'cause he was hungry.
Blackadder: I think you mean it started when the Archduke of Austro-Hungary got shot.
Baldrick: Nah, there was definitely an ostrich involved, sir.
Blackadder: Well, possibly. But the real reason for the whole thing was that it was too much effort not to have a war.
George: By Gum, this is interesting! I always loved history. The Battle of Hastings, Henry VIII and his six knives and all that!
Blackadder: You see, Baldrick, in order to prevent a war in Europe, two super blocs developed: us, the French and the Russians on one side; and the Germans and Austro-Hungary on the other. The idea was to have two vast, opposing armies, each acting as the other's deterrent. That way, there could never be a war.
Baldrick: Except, well, this is sort of a war, isn't it?
Blackadder: That's right. There was one tiny flaw in the plan.
George: Oh, what was that?
Blackadder: It was bollocks.
Baldrick: So the poor old ostrich died for nothing, then!
Blackadder (on Charlie Chaplin): I find his films about as funny as getting an arrow through the neck and discovering there's a gas bill tied to it.
Lt. George: If we do happen to step on a mine Sir, what do we do?
Capt. Edmund Blackadder: Well, normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in to the air and scatter yourself over a wide area.
Blackadder: I thinkI’ll write my tombstone – Here lies Edmund Blackadder, and he’s bloody annoyed.
Bob (The General’s driver, a woman, Kate, disguised as a man so she could join up and fight for King and country): I wanted to see how a war was fought, so badly.
Blackadder: Well Bob you’ve come to the right place. There hasn't been a war fought this badly since Olaf the hairy, King of all the Vikings, ordered 80,000 battle helmets with the horns on the inside.
Lord Flasheart: Treat your kite (WW1 biplane) like you treat your woman.
Lt. George: How do you mean Sir, you mean take her home over the weekend to meet your mother?
Lord Flasheart: No. I mean get inside her five times a day and take her to Heaven and back! Woof Woof
Blackadder: I can see now why the Suffragette Movement wants the vote.
Lord Flasheart: Hey, Hey, any bird who wants to chain herself to my railing and suffer a jet movement gets my vote.
Blackadder: Baldrick, what are you doing out there?
Baldrick: I'm carving something on this bullet, sir.
Blackadder: What are you craving?
Baldrick: I'm carving "Baldrick", sir!
Blackadder: Why?
Baldrick: It's part of a cunning plan, actually!
Blackadder: Of course it is.
Baldrick: You know how they say that somewhere there's a bullet with your name on it?
Blackadder: [haltingly]Yyyyyyyyes...?
Baldrick: Well, I thought that if I owned the bullet with my name on it, I'll never get hit by it! Cause I'll never shoot myself...
Blackadder: Oh, shame!
Baldrick: ... and the chances of there being two bullets with my name are very small indeed!
Blackadder: Yes, it's not the only thing around here that's "very small indeed". Your brain, for example, it's so minute, Baldrick, that if a hungry cannibal cracked your head open, there wouldn't be enough inside to cover a small water biscuit.
General Melchett: Field Marshal Haig has formulated a brilliant new tactical plan to ensure final victory in the field.
Blackadder: Ah. Would this brilliant plan involve us climbing out of our trenches and walking very slowly towards the enemy?
Captain Darling: How could you possibly know that, Blackadder? It's classified information!
Blackadder: It's the same plan that we used last time and the seventeen times before that.
Melchett: Exactly! And that is what is so brilliant about it! It will catch the watchful Hun totally off guard! Doing precisely what we've done eighteen times before is exactly the last thing they'll expect us to do this time! There is, however, one small problem.
Blackadder: That everyone always gets slaughtered in the first ten seconds.
Melchett: That's right. And Field Marshal Haig is worried this may be depressing the men a tad. So he's looking for a way to cheer them up.
Blackadder: Well, his resignation and suicide seems the obvious choice.
Melchett: Hmm, interesting thought. Make a note of it, Darling.
[Blackadder's rather jovial firing squad visits him in his cell]
Squad Leader: You see, us firing squads are a bit like taxmen, sir - everyone hates us, but we're just doin' our job, aren't we, lads? [he and the squad laugh]
Blackadder: [dryly] My heart bleeds for you.
Squad Leader: Well, sir, we "aim" to please! [he and the squad laugh]
Squad man: Just a little firing squad joke there, sir!
Squad Leader: You see, sir, we take pride in the termanatory service we supply. So, is there any particular area you'd like us to go for? We can aim anywhere.
Blackadder: Well, in that case, just above my head might be a good spot.
[The firing squad laugh]
Squad Leader: You see! A laugh and a smile, and all of a sudden the job doesn't seem quite so bad after all, does it, sir?
Squad man: [observing Blackadder closely] No! And a lovely roomy forehead...
Squad man 2: A good pulse and jugular there as well...
Blackadder: [abruptly] Look, I'm sorry, I know you mean to be friendly, but I hope you won't take it amiss if I ask you to sod off and die!
[The firing squad soldiers are offended and start to complain]
Squad Leader: No, no, no, fair enough. 'Course not, sir. No one likes being shot first thing in the morning, do they, lads? [the rest of the firing squad voices agreement] So, look forward to seeing you tomorrow, sir! You'll have a blindfold on of course, but you'll recognize me. I'm the one that says, "Ready, aim, fire!"
Blackadder: Can I ask you to leave a pause between the word "aim" and the word "fire", thirty or forty years, perhaps?
[The firing squad laugh]
Squad Leader: Ahh, wish I could pause, sir, I really wish I could. But I can't, you see, 'cos I'm a gabbler, me, you see. "READYAIMFIRE!!!" [laughs]
George: You a bit cheesed off, sir?
Blackadder: George, the day this war began, I was cheesed off. Within ten minutes of you turning up, I finished the cheese and moved on to the coffee and cigars. And at this late stage, I am in a cab with two lady companions on my way to The Pink Pussycat in Lower Regent Street.
Blackadder: For two years, the Western Front's been about as likely to move as a Frenchman who lives next door to a brothel, then last night the Germans advance a mile and we land on the wrong side!
Baldrick: I want my mum!
Blackadder: Yes, it'll be good to see her. I imagine a maternally outraged gorilla could be a useful ally when it comes to the final scrap!
Baron von Richthofen: Ha ha ha! You English and your zense of humour! How lucky you English are to find ze toilet so amusing! For us, it is a mundane and functional item...for you, ze basis of an entire culture!
Blackadder: I've always been a soldier, married to the army. Book of King's Regulations is my mistress...possibly with a Harrods' lingerie catalogue tucked discreetly between the pages.
Nurse Mary: And no casual girlfriends?
Blackadder: Skirt? If only. When I joined up, we were still fighting colonial wars. If you saw someone in a skirt, you shot him and nicked his country!
Lt. George on how the war started: The war started because of the vile Hun and his villainous empire-building!
Blackadder: George, the British Empire at present covers a quarter of the globe, while the German Empire consists of a small sausage factory in Tanganyika. I hardly think we can be entirely absolved from blame on the imperialistic front.
George: Oh... Oh no, sir! Absolutely not! [quietly to Baldrick] Mad as a bicycle!
Baldrick: I heard that it started when a bloke called Archie Duke shot an ostrich 'cause he was hungry.
Blackadder: I think you mean it started when the Archduke of Austro-Hungary got shot.
Baldrick: Nah, there was definitely an ostrich involved, sir.
Blackadder: Well, possibly. But the real reason for the whole thing was that it was too much effort not to have a war.
George: By Gum, this is interesting! I always loved history. The Battle of Hastings, Henry VIII and his six knives and all that!
Blackadder: You see, Baldrick, in order to prevent a war in Europe, two super blocs developed: us, the French and the Russians on one side; and the Germans and Austro-Hungary on the other. The idea was to have two vast, opposing armies, each acting as the other's deterrent. That way, there could never be a war.
Baldrick: Except, well, this is sort of a war, isn't it?
Blackadder: That's right. There was one tiny flaw in the plan.
George: Oh, what was that?
Blackadder: It was bollocks.
Baldrick: So the poor old ostrich died for nothing, then!
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